Humor with some teeth to it

By Cindy Cullen Chapman

Never let it be said that Iowans don’t have a sense of humor. Here’s a sampling of how Iowans laugh at themselves, from a variety of sources.

PHONE CALL TO GOD

ESPN’s Dick Vitale was in Indiana to announce a basketball game when he noticed a red phone near the Hoosier’s bench. He asked Coach Tom Crean what it was for.

“It’s a hotline to God,” said Davis. Vitale asked if he could use it. Davis said, “Sure, but it’ll cost you $100.” Vitale thought he needed a break picking the games, so he pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Vitale had a perfect week.

The next week, he was in Arkansas when he noticed the same kind of phone on the Razorback’s bench. He asked Razorback coach John Pelphrey about the phone.

The coach said, “It’s the hotline to God, and it’ll cost you $100 if you want to use it.” Vitale paid the money. Again, he had a perfect week.

The next week, Vitale was in Iowa when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Hawkeyes’ bench. He asked Todd Lickliter, “Is that the hotline to God?” Lickliter said, “Yes and if you want to use it, it’ll cost 35 cents.”
Vitale said, “Wait a second. I just paid $100 in Indiana and Arkansas to use the hotline to God. Why does Iowa only charge 35 cents?”

Lickliter looked at Vitale and replied, “In Iowa, it’s a local call.”

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DYNAMITE

Two families were having a feud. One family lived on the Minnesota side of the border between Iowa and Minnesota, and the other family lived on the Iowa side. The feud got serious and the Minnesota family started throwing sticks of dynamite across the border into the Iowa farm yard. One day, it put the eye of a cow out. The Iowa family became so incensed that it started lighting the dynamite sticks that the Minnesotans had thrown over, and throwing them back into the Minnesota family’s farm yard.

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HAWKEYE LIVING

(Former Iowa State Coach) Dan McCarney, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Cyclone flag  in the window.

“This house is yours for eternity, Dan,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

Dan felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Hawkeye flag, and in every window, a Hawkeye symbol.

Dan looked at God and said, “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I went to three consecutive bowl games, and I turned around Iowa State’s entire program.”

God said, “So what do you want to know, Dan?”

“Well, why does Kirk Ferentz get a better house than me?”

God chuckled, and said, “Dan, that’s not Kirk’s house, it’s mine.”

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CYCLONE REVENGE

A kindergarten teacher explains to her class that she is an Iowa Hawkeye. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Hawkeyes, too.

No one really knows what a Hawkeye is, but wanting to be like their teacher their hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because, I’m not a Hawkeye.”

“Then, what are you?” asks the teacher.

“Why, I’m a proud Iowa State Cyclone,” replies the little girl.

She asks Kristen why she is a Cyclone.

“Well, my mom and dad are Cyclones, so I’m a Cyclone, too.”

“That’s not a good reason,” the teacher says. “What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

“Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be a Hawkeye.”

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A DIM VIEW

Ford is recalling all vehicles sold in Iowa. They have to change the dimmer switch back to the floor like it used to be due to all the Iowans losing control of their cars when their foot gets caught in the steering wheel.

THREE-KICK RULE

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The attorney responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the Iowa Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is this three-kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kck nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

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NO MYSTERY

An Iowan visiting the big city goes to the theater for opening night of a new mystery, but his seat is in the rear of the theater. The man calls an usher and whispers, “I just love a good mystery, but look how far away I am. If you can get me a better seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

Looking forward to a large tip, the usher discovers an unused ticket at the Will Call window. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, “‘Follow me.”‘ The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

“Thanks so much,” says the theatergoer. “This seat is perfect.” He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers to the mystery lover, “The butler did it.”

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald’s on Friday night in Iowa?

A: Prom.

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In Iowa, if people are told they have six months to live, they move to Minnesota, where it seems like a decade.

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Well, when ya can’t beat ‘em, laugh at ‘em. That’s what they say in Minnesota – about Iowans.

Q. Why did the Hawkeye cross the road?

A. He didn’t. He backed into it, the same way Iowa got into its last bowl game.

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Q. How do you get a University of Iowa graduate off your porch?

A. Pay him for the pizza.

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Q. What do you get if you drive through Ames SLOWLY?

A.  A degree in Engineering.

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An Iowa farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and they get to talking. The Aussie shows off his big corn field and the Iowan says, “Oh! We have corn fields that are at least twice as long.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his pigs. The Iowan immediately says, “We have sows that are at least twice as large as yours.”

Then the Iowan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Iowa?”

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COUNTRY ROADS

An Iowa couple was driving down a country road on their way to visit friends. They came to a muddy hole in the road and the car became stuck. After a few minutes of trying  to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer on a tractor coming down the lane.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. Minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the 10^th car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plow your land, at night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied. “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

A man is driving down a country road in Iowa, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field. He pulls the car over and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, Excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

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An Iowan walks into a bar in Des Moines, orders three beers and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, the beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Iowan replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Ireland, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Des Moines. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Iowan becomes a regular, and always orders three beers, drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two beers. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Iowan looks confused for a moment, then laughs. “Oh, no,” he says. “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

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What do Iowa State fans and Iowa fans have in common?

Neither of them went to the University of Iowa.

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One foggy night an Iowa fan was heading south and an ISU fan was driving north. While crossing a narrow bridge they hit each other head-on, mangling
both cars.

The Cyclone fan climbs out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive.”

Likewise, the Hawkeye fan gets out of his car uninjured. He, too, feels fortunate to have survived.

The Hawkeye fan walks over to the Cyclone fan and says, “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.”

The Cyclone fan thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”

The Cyclone fan pops open the trunk of his car and removes an undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Hawkeye fan, “I think this is another sign that we should toast to our newfound friendship.”

The Hawkeye fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After downing half the bottle, the Hawkeye fan hands the bottle back to the Cyclone fan and says, “Your turn.”

The Cyclone fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws it over the bridge into the river and says, “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”

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Q. Why do they use artificial turf in Iowa stadiums?

A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing!